page 8

Gay Peoples Chronicle

July 1986

STOCKTON

tes. So it's not as though all lesbians come from the same kind of background.

Let me ask a rather charged question. Have you ever gotten the argument that because you're a child of privilege, you haven't--

I haven't suffered enough? Of course. In many ways that's true. I've never known what it's like to be poor, to have to work for someone I don't particularly want to work for. I grew up in a very privileged environment; there's no question about that.

But there are many ways one can suffer. Even if you grow up with no worries in one direction, you're burdened with many from another side. You wouldn't believe the myths about people who grew up in my environment. I really battle with that much more than being a lesbian. Being a debutante was one of my more miserable moments on the planet. In many ways my experience growing up, has been different. I don't think that's made it less valid. Nor on the scale of suffering do I think I've

the

any

tem

CHICAGO--With "Together, We Can Do thing," nearly 200 lesbian ande gaye parents, Annual Gay Fathers Coalition International World Conference.

het

Parents from over 40 cities took in the Conference lectures and a variety of workshops.

Workshop topics included foster parenting and adopting, organizing parents groups, coming out to children, the challenges of being a gay step-parent, the impact of AIDS on families, influencing sex education programs in schools, and a question-and-answer session with a panel of children of gay and lesbian parents.

Kevin Cathcart, Executive Director of the Boston-based Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAD), and Joy Schulenburg, author of Gay Parenting, both delivered rousing keynote speeches. (See interview with Schulenburg.)

Cathcart helped focus attention on the plight of gay parents earlier this year, when he filed suit against the state of Massachusetts behalf of a gay couple or

experienced less.

I'm also a bit curious about your including a chapter on having children.

It's been around a long time. Lots of gay people have been married, had kids, and then came out. So children have been around, whether or not they've been much of an issue.

Certainly it's been an issue in terms of the courts, trying to hang onto custody of our children--a very emotional issue. Some of the things that have happened to gay mothers and fathers are horrible.

In California, at least, and at least in the lesbian community, there's sort of a baby boom. I wrote the chapter partly to make it known that we do have children and have that option. And that raises issues, particularly with one's family, that are highly charged. Your having kids is a whole other thing for them. And what do you do about not having dear old dad or having him in the winos.

Suddenly it's become okay within the community to be

inseminated and have kids. And thank God! Certainly being lesbian does not preclude motherhood. I'm glad

to see it happening.

One of the letters described a friend's dying of AIDS.

Unfortunately, we all know the AIDS crisis is going to get worse before it gets Better. I think that ulti-

GAY PARENTS MEET

who were forced to give up their foster children because of their sexuality.

Cathcart said that the

myths that gays and lesbians are unuitable for parenthood remain prevalent both in and out of the courtroom. He said, "I'll hear our opponents insist that 'It's not fair to the children' 'Gays raise gay kids."

or

"The biggest myth of all Cathcart added, "is that it's somehow bad to raise kids who do turn out to be gay or lesbian.

Cathcart discussed the wide-ranging impact of AIDS on parenting and custody laws. He said that AIDS is making lesbians more hesitant about asking gay men to be their sperm donors.

Even so, Cathcart cautioned that if lesbians use a straight male donor, "Almost every judge in the country would favor the heterosexual male if there was ever a custody dispute."

In a workshop titled "Gay/ Lesbian and Married," a panel of gay men who are currently heterosexually married discussed their unusual relationships with their wives.

Four of the men were cele-

ANDREW PETER BEEBE, PH.D.

PSYCHOLOGIST

(216) 642-2287

brating 20to 25-year anniversaries with their wives. One of them summed up, "We've 20 years. Why break it up been best friends for over just because I'm gay?"

All the panel members agreed that their wives had to allow them space to be gay. They noted that their wives tend to feel threatened by the possiblity that their gay husbands may find a long-term male lover. In the workshop, a woman with a gay husband expressed deep concern that her husband would leave her for a man. She said, "If it was another woman, I could han dle it, but there's no way I can compete with another man."

In

another workshop, a panel of children of gay and lesbian parents discussed issues such as parents' coming out, divorce, and dealing with friends and school.

Four sons and one daughter

participated, ranging in age 20. They were bright and witty, and seemed well adjusted, typical children.

Many parents in the audience expressed concern over coming out to their own children. The panel respond-

mately straight people will have to come to terms with it. Rather than condemning, They will end up being compassionate because it's going to affect them, too.

It's definitely changed San Francisco. Everyone's relations are very different, with much more concern and caring. Relatiionships seem to be much stronger because in the face of death your priorities are very clearly right there; and I think most people face them straight on. An incredible amount of dignity has come out of this, and a lot of strength in the men I know.

And with AIDS right there on everyone's doorstep, I think there's a transformation in the way we are with dying people.

Any final words?

Again, my book isn't just about lesbians. It's really about myths. Call me a mythbuster. When you address a myth, it disappears; because a myth is only something we conjure up by taking everybody else's word for it and making it real when you talk about it. When you talk directly at it, it disappears.

ed with a rousing recommendation for parents to come out. One said, "Don't wait plained, to tell your child." He ex"When kids are younger, they're usually more open-minded."

All the children on the panel were told in their early teens or sooner. Their typical response to a gay fathes or lesbian mother was "Who cares!" Todd, an 11year-old, said, "I love my dad, whoever he is, and whatever he does."

All the children had few, if any, problems with friends and teachers. They did admit, however, to being selective about whom they told about their parent's sexual orientation. "Except with close friends," one explained, "details about my family are nobody's busian 18-year-old, explained that she and her brother are much happier living with their mother and

ness."

Debbie

her lover than they were be-

fore their parents were divorced. She said, "My mom and her lover have made a real family for us. It's much more loving than when dad and mom lived together."

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